Just Like You
by nekoloveerr
Summary: Gilbert feels bad about the fact he wasn't able to protect Oz, about the fact he's completely useless. He wished he was just like him.
1. Chapter 1

_blegh. retrace 92 freaked me out. i needed to write something about anything but the present time there. so. here it is. set in the time Oz is in the abyss. Gilbert is twenty-two. some hints of Gilbert/Break... But nothing really._

_**edit lol, a review said i messed up with time. sorry! _

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_Caged like a little black bird. That's what I am. Bound by golden chains. Not able to move forward. That's what I am. Blind. A blindfolded little Raven, that's what I am. I was never able to notice the fact that I am helpless. Until now. I was not able to protect my beloved. I am weak. Weak oh so weak. Tears are always streaming down when I think about what happened back then. I am just a useless little Raven. Just like they all tell me._

_I'wish I was more like him. He is able to protect the ones he loves. He is strong. He is everything I want to be. Why can't I be more like him? I've tried to many times, but I always fail. Even after the eight years I know him, I still can't be slightly like him. No matter how hard I try, I'll always be that stupid, useless, blindfolded Raven._

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Gilbert sat on the cold floor of his small bedroom in Pandora. He was twenty-two years old, eight years since Oz was cast into the Abyss... And still he couldn't so anything about it. He felt useless, like always. He sat there for more than an hour, one hour became two, two became three. He sat there like forever. He didn't want to get up and face the world when he was feeling like this. He jus wanted to stay there, on the cold floor, his own arms wrapped around him to give him some warmth. After he accepted he was totally useless. He felt rather peaceful.

But of course, _he_ was there to interrupt poor Gilbert's peace.

"Raven ~? Are you here?" His voice barley awakened Gilbert from the trance he has been in for three hours. The wooden door of his room opened, and a certain white haired Mad Hatter came in. "Raven?" He asked again. Gilbert didn't respond. He didn't want to let Break see how vulnerable he was right now. Break would make fun of his weaknesses. Gilbert hated it when the older man did things like that. Strong Break would always make fun of weak Raven. But Gilbert wanted to be as strong as Break.

"Raven, why're you on the ground for goodness sake?" Break asked as he poked Gilbert with his left foot. Gilbert growled as response, and wrapped his arms tighter around his stomach while covering his face with his curly black bangs. "Raven, seriously, get up. Only idiots sit on the floor like that" Break said, and he poked Gilbert again.

"Break, shut up."

It sounded way more vulnerable than Gilbert wished, but at least Break stopped with poking him. "Raven. Do you want me to call you an idiot?" Break said, obviously annoyed by Gilbert. The poor black haired boy let out a sigh when he felt some tears coming _up. I am an idiot and Oz, Oz, Oz_. Was all he could think about right now. _Why wasn't I able to protect him? Useless idiot that I am._ Gilbert sobbed out loud now. _Idiot, idiot, idiot_. _Let Break call me idiot. I am! _He sobbed again.

The Mad Hatter sighed when he heard that sound, and sat down in front of Gilbert. "Raven, what is wrong?" Gilbert shrugged and sobbed again, his face still hidden by his black curly locks. "Tell me, Gilbert...what is wrong?"

"N-nothing" Gilbert stuttered, quickly wiping away the tears that ran down his cheeks. _I don't want you to know.. I don't want you of all people to know how weak I am. I want you to think about me as someone who is strong...just like you..._. Gilbert rested his head in his hands and took a deep breath. "Really...it's nothing," he said, sounding a lot calmer now. He even sounded like he meant it._ I'm becoming so good at lying_... But that lie only received him a punch in his face. "Gilbert. You are an idiot."

"I know," Gilbert said with a sad smile in his young face, "I know. I am a weak, helpless idiot, I know, Break. You don't have to tell me all the time.." Break was actually surprised by Gilbert's kind of depressing words, and he sighed while coming a little closer to the sad looking Raven. "It's about your precious master again, hm?" Break spoke softly.

Gilbert looked up to the man in front of him, his beautiful golden eyes still full of tears, but then nodded. Lying to Break was helpless too.

Break smiled a little at Gilbert, trying to comfort the crying boy. Break knew how Raven felt right now. He had been trough that state too, when he just escaped out of the Abyss, years ago. He didn't want Raven, little innocent Raven, to feel the same pain as he felt back then. He knows it was bothering the boy he could not save master back then for eight years, yet Gilbert did not really show it in Break's company. Break came closer to Gilbert, and wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling him in a tight embrace. _This always helped me... finding new people to care about..._

Gilbert froze when he felt the hatters arms around him, when he was pulled into the mans chest. "B-Break.. Stop it.." He protested, and he struggled a bit. But Break did not let him go, he even embraced Gilbert tighter. After a few minutes, Gilbert relaxed and he closed his eyes, smelling the scent of sugar and tea and feeling the warmth of Break's chest on his cheek.

"Why can't I be more like you?" It was barley a whisper.

"What?"

"Why can't I be more like you?" He said, louder this time. And he looked up to face the red eyed man, "_why can't I be more like you?!_" It even sounded angry this time. Like Gilbert was angry with himself for being so weakhearted, and kind. "More... Like me?" Break asked, completely surprised by Gilbert's sudden change. The Raven nodded, "yes! Like you! Strong, and able to protect the ones I love!"

Break laughed. Break laughed uncontrollably at him. Gilbert's face grew bright red, was he really that helpless? Did Break believe he wasn't able to get strong sometime too? "Don't laugh at me, you bastard!" Gilbert shouted angrily as he pushed the hatter away from him. He immediately missed the mans warmth.

"Oh no, Gilbert, I am not laughing at you. I am laughing at myself for giving you such bad ideas of me" he sighed, "I was not able to protect the ones I loved either, I'm just like you, Gilbert.."

Gilbert was stunned. Where on earth was the Hatter talking about? Break was the strongest person he knew!

But before Gilbert could ask the white haired man something about it, Break stood up already and wiped some imaginary dirt of his clothes. After a deep breath he offered Gilbert a hand to help the black haired boy up. Gilbert accepted the cold and small hand to grab his one, and stood up, looking the man in front of him straight in the eye, don't knowing what to say. Break poked with his finger in the young boys chest.

"We will save your master, Gilbert. Together."

Gilbert nodded, and smiled. "Yes... Together."

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_A caged bird only need to be freed, right?_


	2. Chapter 2

**ahh. i told myself to get this done today, and it is even a few minutes over today, so i am really pissed off ... Hmm. **

**but thanks for the follows and stuff**

**i am so sorry for messing up with the time in the previous chapter!**

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_But how do you let a bird, who has been caged for so many years, free? Is it even possible, a little black bird, who is used to the safe cage where is no danger but only sad- and loneliness. Is it possible to break the golden chains that have bound him for ten years, to set him free into a dangerous world? A dangerous world where there is still sadness, where you still can be lonely, but where you have the opportunity to make friends... Is it even possible?_

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"Where are we going?" The young black haired boy asked the Mad Hatter who was walking a few steps before him, the white haired man walked fast, his hips moving from left to right with every step he made, Gilbert almost ran, so fast Break walked. The man had asked Gilbert to follow him, and without waiting for an answer, he just walked away, away from Gilbert's small room, leaving the boy behind. Gilbert ran after him, curiously asking himself where the Hatter wanted him for.

Break turned around with that too happy smile on his face, "you'll see, Raven. Be patient." Gilbert nodded, and followed the man again in silence. Break's shoes made a click-clack sound on the floor of Pandora Headquarters, his as a cane disguised sword swung from the left to the right on his hip, his dark purple - almost black - coat flowing behind him. Even when he's walking he looks so confident... _How does he do it?_

Gilbert sighed and suddenly felt embarrassed for his moment of weeping just a few minutes ago in his room. He totally lost control over his feelings, while Break of all people was looking. How he needed to be cuddled like a little kid. Embarrassing, oh so embarrassing. Gilbert silently hoped Break was not going to tease him with it, to tell everybody about how he was crying about his precious master Oz. How gloomy and depressed the young Nightray boy was.

But Gilbert also felt a little bit of happiness trough the usual sad- and loneliness. Break was going to help him to get Oz back out of the Abyss.

Break had promised that on their first meeting too, but he never seemed to work on it, or even pay attention to his promise, like he only promised it to make Gilbert do what he wanted, something that Gilbert could imagine easily... but this time, he seemed to be honest. Break was powerful enough to help him, right? Yes, the Mad Hatter definitely was. Break was called the strongest person in Pandora after all.

Gilbert felt something creeping on his face, something he had not felt in a very long time, Gilbert actually smiled a real smile.

"Come, come, little Raven. Walk a bit faster," the white haired man sighed as he stopped walking to look where Raven was. Gilbert's smile quickly dissapeared when he saw how Break looked at him, Break's expression was one with a raised eyebrow, like he thought Gilbert was a complete idiot. Gilbert blushed bright red, and quickly looked down, to the floor of Pandora's head quarter. "Sorry" the young Raven muttered as he continued to walk next to Break.

"Stop excusing yourself for stupid things" the Mad Hatter said, in a bit of an annoyed tone.

"S-sorry.." The raven haired male stuttered and blushed even harder. Why can't I do something to make him think about me as someone respectable? Not the blushing, crying and panicking idiot I really am? Gilbert asked himself, while making fists. He needed to become more like him. He had to reach that goal even before he would try to get Oz back out of the Abyss.. How would he be able to save (and maybe even protect if he really came back) Oz when he is as weak and stupid as now? Not! _I have to become strong..._

"Gilbert, I said stop excusing yourself," The albino sighed and he stopped in front of a dark wooden door, exactly the same as all the doors in Pandora. Break opened the door, the door creaked as it opened further. The white haired man walked into the room behind it. "Come in, Raven" he said with a clownish grin on his pale face "don't be shy ~ !"

Gilbert set a few steps into the room, and immediately smelled the sweet scent of sweets. It smelled like Gilbert walked into a candy shop, like of those he visited together with Oz when he was younger. "Welcome to my room" the white haired Mad Hatter said as he closed the door behind him. Break dropped his sword somewhere in a corner, and walked past Gilbert, who was looking around. Gilbert had never been in Xerxes Break's room, Break seemed to like his privacy. Gil could understand, he would like some privacy too, but everyone just walked into his room like it was their own. Even this shows he is better than me, Gilbert thought and he sighed in despair.

"Raven, it's rude to not listen to people when they are talking to you." Break interrupted Gilbert from his thoughts. Break had been talking about something he was sure Gilbert wanted to hear.

"Oh, eh... What did you say?" Gilbert muttered, and looked to the ground with a blush on his face, like usual. Suddenly the floor of Break's large room was really interesting. The red eyed man threw his hands in the air and sighed dramatically, "Raven, have you ever learned manners?" He said, in the same dramatical way as his sigh, like Gilbert was the most helpless thing he ever saw.

The young Raven probably was... Gilbert did not understand him in the slightest.

"E-eh.. Yes, of course I learned manners.. Why would you think I did not!?" Gilbert said, defending himself. But even though he was 'defending' himself, his eyes were fixed to the ground. _Why does he think I did not learn manners? I did! He is the one who didn't learn manners!_ Break grinned like a mad man when he answered "because you excuse yourself for stupid things, but when you need to apologise you don't do it ~"

"I-I... Oh... S-sorry" Gilbert stuttered, a bit insecure if he had to excuse himself now.

"Good. Now can you actually listen to what I am saying?" Break said, as he walked to the desk on the other side of his room. The desk stood next to a large bookcase, Gilbert was sure there were more than a hundred books in it, he wondered what kind of books it were. Did Break like to read fictional books? Or books to get information?

"Look at this" Break said as he came back to Gilbert, holding a notebook in his hands. The red eyed man handed the notebook to Gilbert with a smile, "this is how we're going to save that master of yours!" The black haired male looked from the notebook to the mam in front of him, surprised that the man had a plan to get his beloved Oz back. "Come on, I did not write that for you to only stare at it like it is a miracle ~!" Break said, still with a smile.

"Oh, y-yes.." Gilbert muttered, still a little surprised. He looked back to the white haired man, who was still standing in front of him. Raven forced himself to smile back, and he looked around, looking for a place to sit. But he did not saw a chair, except for a wooden chair by the desk, the chair covered by books, clothes, pieces of papers and candy wrappers..

"Ah, act like you're at home, Raven ~" Break said as he plopped down on his kingsize bed, sinking down between the pillows. Gilbert nodded and did as Break said, he sat down on the bed too. On the edge. Nearly falling off it, afraid Break would say he wasn't supposed to sit on the bed too. But when the white haired man did not say a word, Gilbert opened the note book in his hands.

Gilbert scanned the text, written in Break's round, almost woman like handwriting. And sighed when he was done, he closed the notebook and gave it back to Break, who smiled. "It's a genius plan, isn't it?"

The black haired male nodded, "yes, but... H-how much chance is there that it will work?" He stammered, while staring to his gloved hands. Break stood up from his bed, and walked to his desk to put the notebook on it. "Ten percent, I think ~" the Hatter exclaimed happily. Like ten percent was actually something good.

"O-oh" Gilbert said, not able to hide his disappointment. He bit his lip, he actually hoped that Break's plan was ready to succeed.. _I shouldn't have thought that... Break can't do anything about it... I should thank him for trying... I need to thank him... Even though I won't be able to save Oz... Oz.._

"T-thanks Break.."

"Ah?" Break looked at Gilbert, and sat down in front of him, "thank me for what?" Gilbert shrugged and and tried to stop the tears from welling up in his eyes. "Gilbert," Break said and he sighed deeply, "don't cry, if this plan doesn't work we find another plan, okay?"

"Y-yes."

"Don't give up your hope so easily."

"O-okay.."

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_But is it even possible?_


	3. Chapter 3

**HELLO FOLKS! do you remember this story? probably not, eh? since it's been ****more than a year ago since i updated... **

**let's say i took a break from writing, that sounds a lot nicer than what was the actual reason :^), anyway here is the third chapter! it probably isn't very high quality and the writing style may be diffirent from the first two chapters because, you know, it's been a year. also, this actually was supposed to be a one shot so there isn't all that much story in it.. it's just a way of practising writing for me, i guess.**

**i hope you enjoy it anyway.**

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_Little blackbird, little black bird have you ever seen the moon? Have you ever seen the moon shining in silver radiance in the darkest of the night? They took your sun, everything dear to you away, right? Now after being in the dark for so long, have you seen the moon? Little blackbird, little black bird maybe you should look closer. The moon is closer than it seems._

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_Silence_

_Tick, tick, tick_. The sound of Break's long, slender fingers ticking against his desk.

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Break was reading, he had been reading all along for the past hours, in the past days. He had been reading a lot since he promised Gilbert to find a way to get Oz Vessalius out of the Abyss. He was reading to get more information, reading to make his plan to save Gilbert's young master a succes. And Gilbert, Gilbert just sits in front of Break trying to read something too, trying to be helpful.

But of course Gilbert was only in Break's way, and his clumsiness did not help much either. Even here he was **useless.**

He ended up getting more tea for Break. Which was quite helpful too! Since the tea Gilbert makes is _delicious...! _Or at least that is what Break told him, he probably just lied to make Gilbert less bad about himself for doing nothing all the time.

Both of them said nothing, the silence only broken by the sound of Break's fingers ticking against wood.

_Tick_

_Tick _

Time passed by slowly. It was killing the Raven to sit, just sit and do nothing while Break was working. The sound of Break's fingers ticking against his desk mixed with the sound the clock made with every second. The whole situation was felt plainly awkward and it slowly drove poor Raven mad.

Some time passed, Gilbert didn't even know how much exactly. It could be _seconds_, **minutes**, hours, **_years_**. . .

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Gilbert found himself staring at Break quite a few times. Break had this look of concentration on his face, instead of his usually so cheerful and lighthearted appearance. Eyebrows frowned, chin resting on hand and after several minutes of observation Gilbert noticed Break was even chewing on the inside of his cheek.

The young Raven could not recall any other moment the white haired man looked as concentrated as now. He had worked together with the Mad Hatter for Pandora many times The expression on the Break's face fascinated Gilbert, he knew he could never be as concentrated as Break was now. Break was working hard; he had been reading, researching and planning all night and day, and that all because Gilbert just couldn't do it himself...

"My, my, Raven, could you please not look so gloomy?" the white haired man asked Gilbert, who looked up from his overthinking. He blushed a bright shade of red and muttered a few words that sounded a lot like "I'm sorry."

Break looked up, sighed.

"Honestly Raven, _stop apologising. _What is the matter anyways? Aren't you happy that we are going to save your _precious_ master?" He said a bit teasingly butserious.

Gilbert looked at his hands while his cheeks reddened even more.

"I-it's not that I'm not happy — It's just that.." The Raven spoke softly, "It's just that I feel bad for doing nothing all the time, I feel bad for letting you do all the work while it is me who should do the work! You're right, Oz is my master! I should be the one doing researchf and — I just feel so useless and.." Gilbert stopped himself, the last thing he wanted was crying in front of Xerxes Break, _**again**_.

Xerxes Break, who is _smart_, who **strong**, who is just admirable in every way.

If Gilbert had learned anything in the past eight years it was that crying in front of someone you admire is horrible and embarassing. Especially if that person you admire happens to be a certain smirking Mad Hatter.

"Well dearest Raven, if you feel useless you could get me more tea, please~?" Break said with his light, frilly voice. Not realising in the slightest how much this actually hurt the young man. Getting Beak more tea, that is all Raven is good for, apparently. Break does not even trust him with more important tasks, does he?

Gilbert bit on his lips, trying not to show his honest emotions. "I-isn't there anything else I can do? Like.. I could read something too?"

No answer. Just a pair of raised eyebrows.

_Silence_

"O-or I could do something else?" Gilbert stuttered, he hated himself for it. Of course, of course Break wouldn't let him do anything if the only things he can do are crying and being awkward.

"Please... I just really, really want to be useful.." The young Raven whispered, his voice soft, barely hearable. He hid himself behind his curly, black hair and waited, waited for Break to say something.

It felt like hours had passed in the few seconds of silence. Gilbert was nervous, anxious to hear the answer. There was no way of telling how the man would answer, his face was as blank as paper. If Gilbert could only make such a blank face...

Break sighed and while closing one of his books and while grabbing another he said "if you get me some tea first we'll look what you can do later, alright?"

Break's answer made clear that he thought that it was better if Gilbert did nothing. Gilbert hated it, he hated that Break thinks he isn't capable of anything. But what he hated the most is that Break is right. Break is always right.

_I want Break to have respect for me... But I can't do anything to gain that respect, I fail at everything I do..._

_I want Break to think I'm strong, just like him... But he won't ever think that, I cry way too much, I am way too emotional, I won't ever be like him..._

_I just want to be helpful to him once... But I can't be helpful to him, I am completely useless..._

"Okay, I'll just get you tea, then." Gilbert managed to bring out, his voice trembling. He stood up from his chair, turned around and walked to the door. He suppressed the urge to run away from Break, from everything, and calmly walked to the door. Raven tried to walk as fierce as Break always does: chin up, shoulders pushed back. Gilbert was pretty sure he failed.

**He would never be like Break.**

Gilbert opened and closed the door just as calmly as he walked away, but then he started to run, his eyes filled with tears and his mind filled with awful thoughts about himself

He hated not being able to do anything right..

He hated being **useless..**

But most of all he hated himself.

Gilbert made his way trough the wide hallways and small corridors of Pandora Headquarters, as his sight was blurred with tears he couldn't see he arrived at one of the manor's backdoors. Gilbert opened the door and the fresh, cold outside air hit him in the face.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to organize his thoughts and stop the tears from running down his pale face. It didn't work, but what did Gilbert expect? _He can't do anything right, nothing goes the way he wants. So why would this?_

While quiet tears continued to fall, Gilbert searched his pockets for cigarettes with trembling hands. He tried to quit the nasty habit many times, but he couldn't. He was addicted to the bitter taste of tabbaco would never fail to calm the young Raven, not even now, when he was hurt, embarrased and dissapointed.

With the ignited cigarette in his mouth Raven slid down the wall he had been leaning at, and sat down on the cold and slightly wet ground. He inhaled the smoke, he could almost feel the toxic poisoning his lungs, but at the moment he couldn't care less. It helped him calm down when he needed to calm down, that was all what mattered to him.

Raven sighed as he looked up at the early evening sky, the sun had just set and the colours changed from warm orange and red to colder colours. A million shades of blue and cool purple coloured the air. He watched the colours in the sky slowly fade away, until only de darkest blue and black remained. The sky was cloudy, no stars nor the moon were visible, it was dark, so dark.

Raven took an eager drag of his cigarette and wiped away one of the tears that was making its way to his chin. He took another drag, and another, and another. Gilbert still was nowhere near calm, he still cared too much yet he started to not care at all. He was a mess. _**A mess**_.

He would always be a mess, he almost accepted it.

_Almost_.

He knew he had to stay strong, like Break told him to countless times. He already disapointed Oz, he couldn't disapoint Break too.

But he'd disapointed Break already, hadn't he? He had disapointed Break so many times, and yet Break still promised to save Oz, yet Break still told him he had to stay strong.

_Why is staying strong so hard? I'd rather disappear... _

_But I can't..._

_"_Why can't I be more like _him_? Gilbert whispered to the evening sky with a voice choked by tears. "If I could only be more like him..."

Gilbert felt new tears welling up in his eyes, but he wiped them away before they could fall. He took a few deep breaths. **He had to stay strong! **He would save Oz together with Break, he would be useful, too. After he'd got more tea for his Break he would ask the man how he could help.

He would stay strong!

With renewed energy Raven stood up. He threw away what was over from his cigarette and wiped away the dirt of his trousers. Before he made his way back to the door he looked up to the evening sky. The clouds that had covered the stars disappeared, the moon shone bright against the deep blue colour of the ether. He watched the scenery for a few more seconds before turning away with a small smile.

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"Well that took you long, dear Raven. Did you forget how to boil water?" Xerxes Break asked in his usual sarcastic tone when Gilbert shuffled into the room carrying a tray with a teapot on it.

"O-of course not" Gilbert muttered under his breath. "I just — eh, I got distracted. I-'m sorry.." The boy hid his face behind his long, curly bangs.

While Gilbert was pouring tea for the two of them Xerxes studied the boy's face. His face showed traces of tiredness, sadness and alike emotions Xerxes knew all too well himself. Xerxes wondered how such a young and innocent boy could feel such things.

_The young Raven didn't deserve any of it. _

When Gilbert noticed him staring the Mad Hatter sighed. "Hmm. You're forgiven, but only because you brought cookies. You want to help me, right? You can only help me if you're actually here so don't get distracted to next time~!"

Letting Gilbert help him wasn't his original intention, but Xerxes suspected that he might have caused the redness around Gilbert's eyes and he felt guilty because of that. Letting Gilbert help him was the least he could do, but maybe not the most practical. Xerxes had always preferred to work on his own.

Gilbert flushed bright red and blinked a few times in disbelieve. "Yes.. Of course! I won't get.. distracted anymore."

There was few minutes of silence, though it was less awkward than the ones that fell before. Both of them weren't sure what to do, or say.

Break coughed to get Gilbert's attention. "You can start with reading this one", Break said and handed the book over to Gilbert. Break was pretty sure Gilbert would not find anything useful in it but it would the boy the idea that he was being helpful. "Read it, yes all of it, and mark the pages you think can help me- I mean us with our research, clear?"

Gilbert nodded a few times in agreement. He looked so enthusiastic, so eager to help. Seeing the young Raven happy made the Mad Hatter himself somewhat nostalgic.

"Thanks Break," Gilbert said shyly, and with the most honest, heartwarming and beautiful smile Xerxes Break had ever seen.

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_The moon is closer than it seems._

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**i'm actually very curious if there's anyone even reading this..**

**maybe see you in the next chapter~**


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